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  • daddy

    posted January 12, 2011 12:23 am

    I came home to my dad and brother giggling about something on TV.

    “Hi dad,” I said, wearily. There is a washing machine in my stomach, and someone turned it to Turbo.

    “You look very tired la,” said my brother, in Cantonese. I gave a nod of agreement.

    My dad turned around.

    “Ah, I finally get to see my daughter after so many days,” he said.

    What?

    “You know, for the past few days, each time I am ready for work you’re still sleeping; and when you get home, I’ve gone to bed. I made it a point to stay up today just to see you once before I sleep,” he continued.

    “But why must you stay up?” I asked. “There’s always the weekend.”

    “You see, because my days left here on earth are numbered… I’d like to see my daughter a bit more before I go.”

    *

    My dad is 56, and atop his shoulders is the heavy burden of illnesses.

    There are only a few things in the world capable of breaking me completely. My grandmother’s death. Failing terribly at something at work. Seeing my mom disappointed.

    Above all of that, right at the heart of it – is the thought of losing my dad, or hearing him speak of it.

    I left the conversation laughing, only to come back to my room and break into a sea of tears.

    I love my dad more than anything I have ever loved in the world. He has given me not only the life I have today, but has also shaped who I am inside. The incredible emotional strength; the strong, resounding rationality inbuilt within me; the ego-fueled resilience that has brought me back on my two feet after uncountable setbacks; the generally positive outlook on life – I got it mostly from him.

    Who I am today, I owe it all to him.

    And in the midst of all these, I lie in my bed, in complete remorse at myself. I was given the best dad anyone could ever ask for, and I have left him waiting, and longing just to have another moment with me.

    *

    At this juncture, overwhelmed by this sense of guilt and brokenness, I made myself a vow: I want to see Daddy happy.

    Only because the best father in the world deserves nothing lesser than that.

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